


Once Upon a Dream

by Mechanical_Curse



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, POV Newton Geiszler, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24407155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mechanical_Curse/pseuds/Mechanical_Curse
Summary: Hermann has nightmares for a decade.Unbeknownst to him, most of them are actually Newton calling for help through what’s left of their mind connection.
Relationships: Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb
Comments: 3
Kudos: 60





	Once Upon a Dream

Newton has no idea how it happens the first time. One minute, he is stuck inside his own head, wishing that everything would just _stop_ and he feels like sobbing but no tears come out of his eyes because _they_ won’t allow it. The next, the voices falter until they stop completely, and _he_ is here. Hermann.

For a second, he is afraid that it is a trap, just an illusion set up by the precursors to break him a little further. However, he quickly decides against it, because what interest would they have in doing something like this now? There isn’t much of him left to break, really.

So he runs to Hermann, grabs the hems of his suit and clings to him like the world is going to end if he doesn’t, which isn’t that far from the truth.

“Hermann, you need to listen to me! The precursors, they’re in my head, they’re controlling me, they want me to do horrible things and they’ll open the breach again and kaijus will wipe humanity from the surface of the earth and you have to stop me, please, you’re the only one who can…”

He doesn’t dare to look up and see the reaction of the mathematician. Newton knows he has to be ashamed and disappointed in him, because he should have been stronger, should have been able to resist the precursors, but he’s weak, so weak and he can’t do this any longer, but it’s not like he has any choice in the matter.

Instead he buries his face against Hermann’s chest, feels the fabric of his clothes brush against his cheeks and he just shakes and shakes and cries. He expects Hermann to start complaining at any time, to scold him for ruining his attire, but all he does is wrap a hand around Newton’s back and pull him closer.

His fists clench even harder on Herman’s shirt, unwilling to let go. The scientific part of his brain tells him that he must be touch-deprived, and of course he is, with what little contact the precursors let him have with other humans in fear it will blow their cover, and he can’t remember when he last hugged someone but it feels so nice and he never wants this to end.

“Please, Hermann.” He begs. “Don’t let them use my mind to destroy us all.”

There are a thousand more things he would like to tell him, but suddenly he’s back into his body, this body that doesn’t belong to him anymore, and the screeching of the voices seems even louder than before and he swears that he would kill himself if it could make it stop.

And he’s outside, in public, so they force him to smile when all he wants to do is scream in pain.

* * *

For some reason he can not fathom, the precursors never discover what happened to him. Newton knows that, because if they had, they would have used him against him, to mock him, to remind him that if he tried to fight back against them, they would go out of their way to kill Hermann _first_.

Maybe they don’t reach this small, hidden part of his memories because they believe they already drained all he knows from Newton. Maybe that’s because he puts all the strength he has left into preserving this precious moment, this glimmer of hope. In the end, all that really matters is that they don’t find out. For the first time in what seems like forever, there is a memory that belongs to Newton and Newton alone.

At first, he swears to himself that he won’t try to reach for Hermann again. Now that he’s felt that pull once, he is convinced deep down that he could trigger it again. But he won’t. He just gave Hermann a chance to protect humanity, he can’t risk it by being selfish. He needs to stay away from him, so the precursors won’t learn that a link may subsist between them.

For months, Newton manages to stay true to his words, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much he yearns for the slightest moment of peace. Still, nothing changes. No one comes to arrest him, to put a stop to his work at Shao Industries. He tries to stay optimistic, to convince himself that Hermann must just be busy coming up with the best plan ever to rescue him, but after a while, he has to face the harsh reality. What he told Hermann didn’t change anything. He’s still trapped inside his own mind, nothing but a toy to the precursors and no one knows or even worse, no one _cares_.

When he finally gives in, he tells himself it’s for the sake of mankind. To warn the world of what’s coming. However, deep down he knows he’s lying to himself, that he would sacrifice everything just to get a glimpse of Hermann’s superior smirk when he got the upper hand in one of their heated debates. Not that Newton has anything of his own left to sacrifice, but still.

And so, he tries to reach for Hermann, and fails.

* * *

He wonders if what happened all those months ago was just an illusion, an attempt of his overwhelmed mind to create a safe haven for him so he wouldn’t go crazy. In all truth, Newton doesn’t care much about the answer. Not when he is busy fighting against the crushing despair that seems bent on destroying him for good.

In his place, someone else might have given up, might have just let the hivemind erase the last remnants of his consciousness. But Newt is a scientist and scientists perform experiments. It’s what saves his life.

He doesn’t stop at the first attempt. He reaches for Hermann, again and again, and each time he does, he mentally registers the temperature, the time of the day, the rate of his own heartbeat, hell, anything that could have an influence on this.

It takes him four days to succeed.

* * *

He has a speech all planned this time around. Of course, it goes out of the window the moment Newton sees him again. He babbles barely coherent words all while tearing up, and he must look so ugly, with his red eyes and quivering lips and dripping nose, but he can feel Hermann in his arms and the voices are gone and honestly, he could die happy right now.

Before it all fades away once more, before he goes back to the permanent hell his life has become, Newton warns Hermann against the precursors, again. Then he just enjoys the comfort of his warm arms and silently curses himself for not seeking it back when he was still in control of his own life, because damn it feels good and he’s pretty sure he’ll never get enough of it.

Then Hermann is gone in a flash, his soothing embrace ripped away from Newton, and there are a thousand voices invading his mind. Despite their presence, he has never felt so alone.

* * *

He comes back to him, again and again and again, because he’s not as strong as he was months ago, and Hermann is the only thing that still links him back to his humanity. Also, some part of him is now convinced that he isn’t speaking to the real Hermann, just to some hallucination created by his brain, but he’d rather pretend that this is real, that it’s an after effect of their drift.

Each time, he does his best to explain to him how the precursors’ plan will unfold. It’s the only hope he has, that he’ll manage to pass the warning onto his friend.

“Please, listen to me Hermann, you have to remember this time…”

Hermann shakes his head and he puts a hand on his shoulder. There is something cold, serious in his eyes that fills Newton with a sense of dread, as if something terrible is bound to happen.

“None of this real. I’m just experiencing nightmares due to post-traumatic stress disorder. Newton is well and unharmed, he wrote to me a few weeks ago and sent me a copy of his latest research book. What I’m seeing right now is just the embodiment of my own fears concerning the drift we underwent with the kaiju brain together.”

Newton’s whole body freezes. He wants to yell that it isn’t a dream, that it is real, but before he can utter a single word, Hermann is gone and the horrible, disgusting voices are back. If he were in control of his body right now, he would crawl into a ball and cry. But he can’t, so instead, he forces himself to focus on the data he gathered, as if it were just a normal experiment and not a matter of life or death.

So, if he admits that what he experienced wasn’t a creation of his own brain, then it means he’s been appearing in Hermann’s dreams. It sounds crazy, of course it does, but Newton has experienced countless of things that were supposed to be crazy and impossible since a giant monster appeared in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so many years ago.

That explains why he can’t reach him just as any time: the connection must fail unless Hermann is sleeping. Following that logic, it would make sense that said connection ceases to exist once he wakes up. Hence why Newton would return to his own body and mind after a while, in a rather abrupt manner. It also gives him a reason why Hermann never answered his calls for help: because he didn’t believe they were real.

It hurts, because at this very instant, he knows that no one is coming to his rescue, but it also soothes his fear that Hermann would know and yet do _nothing_ to save him because Newton is disgusting and unworthy of any kind of love, and he knows the precursors put those self-deprecating ideas in his head but sometimes he can’t help but believe they’re right.

All in all, this leaves him with only one option: to keep visiting Hermann in his dreams until he’ll accept that he is real. It’s a challenge is more than up for. After all, harassing his lab partner has always been one of his greatest talents.

* * *

He pleads to him every night, but Hermann won’t yield. His friend tries his best to suppress what he believes to be nightmares. More often than not, their conversations end up with Hermann yelling that Newton isn’t real. That seems to be enough to wake him up every time.

Through his numerous attempts, Newton learns that he is actually seeing a therapist about this, and in other circumstances, he would be glad to know that Hermann is seeking help for his past traumas. Hell, if he hadn’t skipped his own sessions and pretended he was fine after his drifts just so he could go back to his researches faster, maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess. But in his current situation, the last thing he needs is someone telling Hermann that his dreams are just dreams.

After a while, he loses count of just how many times he ended up breaking down in front of Hermann. It makes him feel pathetic, which isn’t good because it only reinforces the conditioning the precursors forced on him, so that he’ll never forget that he’s a failure, worthless, a laughing stock and the perfect host because no one on the whole planet would notice if something were to happen to him.

It’s still not enough to deter him from trying though, because no matter how much being rejected by Hermann times and times again hurts, it’s still heaven in comparison to being stuck with _them_ in his mind.

Things take an interesting turn when Newton stumbles into the middle of an actual dream Hermann is having. The mathematician is explaining one of his theories to an imaginary audience, and when he hears his arguments, he just can’t help himself. He jumps on the stage and invalidates them one by one. Hermann grits his teeth in annoyance, and just five minutes later, they’re in the middle of a heated debate. It feels so familiar, so heart-warming that Newton could cry of joy if he wasn’t so busy explaining to Hermann why his new formula is all wrong.

He has no idea how long it lasts, because time works weirdly in dreams, but by the end of it, he almost forgot all about the breach, the precursors and his whole being mind-controlled predicament. There is just him and Hermann. Even when he’s forced back into the jail of flesh that has become his body, he feels more alive than he has in months.

Hundreds of miles away, Hermann wakes up with the answer to the equation he has been working on fruitlessly for days and a deep feeling of longing.

* * *

Every chance he gets, Newton bickers with Hermann in his dreams. Of course, he still holds the hope that he’ll convince him to stop the precursors, but he just doesn’t have the strength to deny himself this. He’s always loved discussing science with Hermann and nothing will ever change that.

Newton doesn’t intend for the kiss to happen. He really doesn’t. A second before it occurs, they’re arguing over something insignificant, when suddenly, he realizes how close they’re standing. From here, he can see all of the little imperfection in the brown of Hermann’s irises, though imperfection might be the wrong word because they’re just so stunning and unique, and damn his cheekbones seem chiseled in marble, and all the feeling he’s repressed for years are bubbling to the surface all at once, and what if he just pulled him closer, this is a dream after all, even if Hermann rejects him, his friend will have certainly forgotten everything comes morning, and outside of this Newton is nothing but a slave to aliens who plan on destroying the world. So what does he have to lose?

Before he can stop himself, his hand is cupping Hermann’s face, just to tip it off at the right angle so their lips can join when he leans towards him. When the mathematician grabs his wrist, Newton expects to be pushed away, and it’s cool really, he didn’t have much hope to begin with, and at least he won’t die not knowing how it feels to kiss the man he had a crush on since forever.

But instead, Hermann drags him closer, does something wonderful with his mouth that has Newton gasping and before he can process what’s happening their tongues are brushing against each other. And for once, Newton stops thinking. Instead, he just plunges headfirst into those new, delicious sensations. Hermann’s hands settle on his waist to keep him close and he never wants them to leave. Nothing in his life has ever felt so perfect and he can’t repress his tears of joy. He would be feeling embarrassed if Hermann’s eyes weren’t watery as well.

They stay like this, locked together, for what seems like an eternity. Maybe it is. They’re in a dream after all, what happens here doesn’t have to follow any physical law. In that regard, Newton is pretty sure that neither Hermann or him should be able to hold their breaths for so long, not that he will complain.

It’s Hermann who breaks the kiss first. Newton whines against his lips when they part, desperate for more and the mathematician chuckles at his reaction. It’s the most beautiful sound he has ever heard, although it’s quickly outmatched, because then Hermann looks straight in his eyes and declares with a certainty that has his heart racing:

“I love you, Newton.”

* * *

Those four, simple words give him a strength he thought he had lost forever. The precursors have made a pretty good job of convincing him that he isn’t wanted, but now, he knows it’s a lie. Even when he’s controlled by them, he swears he can feel the soft tingle left by Hermann’s lips on his own. And sure, it was only a dream, he shouldn’t draw hasty conclusions from it, but nothing can make him forget the sheer _eagerness_ of their kiss.

He just can’t let go of the feeling, so it’s really not a surprise when he kisses Hermann again in another dream. His friend is still just as eager as he was the first time. From then on, his meetings with Hermann are never twice the same. Sometimes he still tries to warn him about the precursors, sometimes he comes up with some scientific incoherency just so it will stir a debate between them, sometimes they just make out like horny teenagers.

It’s not supposed to escalate to anything more. At least, Newton doesn’t expect it to. To his defense, he didn’t picture Doctor Hermann I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass Gottlieb to have sex dreams. He quickly changes his mind one night, when the mathematician caresses become more adventurous. Newton knows he should stop it, knows that it isn’t fair when Hermann believes this is all a dream. But every touch, every brush of Hermann’s hands puts his skin on fire and it would be so easy to just give in. The precursors won’t even let him touch himself because in their eyes, it would be nothing but a waste of time in their conquest of the world and fuck, he needs this.

He won’t let it go further than a quick, satisfying handjob, he tells himself. Just like he tries to convince himself that it is just sex, and not making love. But Hermann’s lips trail over his tattoos, gentle and sensual all at once, and Newton is lost. Before he knows it, they’re both naked and Hermann is on top of him, _inside_ of him and all he finds the strength to do is to wrap his legs around his waist and to kiss him senselessly. He offers himself completely and Hermann takes everything he gives.

Newton wishes this moment would last forever, but life isn’t so kind. Hermann grunts against his mouth, on the edge of orgasm, and the pleasure must wake him up, because all of a sudden he’s gone, leaving Newton feeling so, so empty, both physically and emotionally, and he’s back in hell with the voices.

* * *

At this point, Newton isn’t surprised anymore when it happens again. He has no choice but to recognize that he’s utterly desperate for human contact, for being shown any sign of love, of kindness. And man, does Hermann shower him in tender gestures in his dreams! It’s addicting and Newton doesn’t think he can go back to living without it.

What he treasures most are the few times Hermann doesn’t immediately wake up after making love to him. When it happens, they cuddle together, with the mathematician’s arms wrapped tightly around him and Newton tears up a few times from how safe and protected he feels like this. Sometimes, Hermann’s fingers will linger on his belly, massaging his soft, tattooed skin. It soothes his insecurities, the ever-persistent fear that his body is hideous, that no one would ever want to touch someone like him. But Hermann _is_ touching him and there’s not a trace of contempt in his eyes when he looks at him.

Newton doesn’t always get to interact with Hermann while in his dreams. He doesn’t know how it works, but sometimes he’s just pushed into the background, with no choice but to witness what’s happening inside his friend’s mind. It rarely features normal situations, but it’s not like they actually had normal, boring lives. A few nightmares are recurrent. One of them involves Hermann’s father belittling him again and again and Newton loathes him for hurting his friend like this. It also reminds him too much of the precursors' endless taunting.

The other ones, well, they mostly resolve around kaijus and the destruction of the world, of course. Although Newton is surprised to discover some of _his_ memories mixed in it. The one where Otachi cornered him in the Hong Kong bunker comes back the more often. He can see himself, frozen in front of the monster, except that this time, Hermann rushes to him, takes his hand in his and forces him to run. Half the time, the kaiju catches up to them and kill them both.

Whenever he witnesses it, Newton wants nothing more than to reassure Hermann, to assure him that none of this is real, but the words always get stuck in his throat. He can’t say that he’s fine, that the monsters didn’t manage to catch him, when in truth it’s exactly what happened. Some nights, he even wishes Otachi would have truly killed him that day. It would have spared him all this pain.

* * *

With time, he loses hope that Hermann will come one day to rescue him. He even starts to believe that outside of his dreams, he’ll never see him again before the end of the world. After all, it’s been years, why would he bother to come see him in person now?

Except that Hermann does come to him, speaking of kaiju blood and nightmares. In just a few seconds, Newton’s heart is filled with joy and terror both at once. This could be his chance to regain freedom, but he’s deadly afraid of what could happen if the precursors learned of his shared link with Hermann.

In the end, it doesn’t matter, because the monsters in his head don’t let him spend enough time with Hermann for any of those possibilities to happen. Except that now, he isn’t as miserable as before, because he knows that his friend is starting to believe him, and that alone is priceless.

He tries to speak to Hermann in his dreams after that, to confirm him that he was right, that Newton needs saving, but he’s stopped by the nightmares, true nightmares this time, that Hermann is having. They’re not of giant monsters destroying cities anymore. No, they’re of compromised jaegers destroying a world it took ten years to rebuild and of Mako Mori dying at the hand of one.

It makes Newton feel terrible, because he knows it’s only the start of what the precursors have planned for them.

* * *

The next time they see each other in Hermann’s dream, the truth has been unveiled. Finger shaped bruises cover the mathematician’s neck and Newton feels so damn guilty because he knows he’s the one who put them here. He leaves kisses all over them in hope it can soothe Hermann’s pain, all while whispering apologetic words in his ear. At one point, the other man stops him, cups Newton’s face in his hand so he has no choice but to look at him.

“I should be the one begging for your forgiveness, Newton. You called for my help and I didn’t listen. I should have known that these weren’t normal dreams, but a consequence of the drift… I should have…”

He stops for a second, his eyes filled with infinite sadness, which promptly turns into determination.

“I will bring you back, Newton. I promise.”

“I know you will.”

With that said, he buries his face against Hermann’s collarbone and they stay curled up against one another until the end of their shared dream.

* * *

When Hermann comes to visit him in his cell, the precursors laugh at him through Newton’s mouth. They tell him that he’ll never get him back, that he hates Hermann for abandoning him, that he was just so _willing_ to fall under their control and to drift with a kaiju’s brain again and again. It’s wrong, all false, nothing but a canvas of awful lies woven together.

But Hermann doesn’t falter, because he must remember his dream from the previous night, must know that the Newton he loves isn’t gone forever. There’s something fierce in his eyes, and it gives Newton hope while it infuriates the precursors. They’ve seen through his mind, they know just how clever and brilliant Hermann is, that he’ll always be a threat to their plans. They’re aware that Newton matter an awful lot to him, too, so they try to use it against him.

In the end, all of their provocations could be resumed in one sentence: They’ll never leave Newton’s body. The thing is, the more the precursors remind Hermann of that fact, the more they unintentionally think of _how_ they could be chased from his mind. The knowledge travels through the hive mind and of course, Newton grabs onto it.

If he were in control of his body, he would have the brightest grin on his face.

* * *

Waiting for the night to come is like torture, but Newton has been going through a living nightmare for ten years, a few hours won’t kill him. When the time finally comes, he jumps straight into Hermann’s arms. If this were the real world, he certainly would have made them both fall, but the realm of dreams obey different rules and Hermann catches him without a problem.

“Dude, you won’t believe this! I think I know how to free myself from the precursors! Or rather, how _you_ can free me from them, I mean, I can’t really do anything in the state I am, but it doesn’t matter because I can tell you everything! Although you should certainly be careful, because the information I have comes from the hivemind and we should stay cautious in case it’s a trap, but I have a gut feeling that it isn’t and…”

“Newton, calm down.”

“Oh yeah, sorry, I got a little overenthusiastic here.” He replies with a sheepish smile.

“No, it’s okay, you have every right to be happy about this. But the intel you gathered will be essential to rescue you, so I can’t afford to miss any piece of information, and I can’t manage that if you speak so fast. So do you think you can start over, slowly this time?”

Newton nods with eagerness before complying.

* * *

It takes a few days for them to get everything right. It’s hard for Hermann to remember everything from his dreams and he doesn’t want to rush into this in case it could hurt Newton. So the biologist waits and tries as best as he can not to pressure him, because he can tell just how much he is suffering from all this.

Then the big day arrives, although Hermann doesn’t warn him beforehand. Newton guesses that it’s to be one hundred percent sure that the precursors won’t know what’s coming. Without any warning, he’s back in control of his body, the voices are gone and he falls into Hermann’s open arms. They both cry for what seems like hours, but they’re happy tears.

“I’m so sorry, Newton, I should have understood something was wrong sooner, I should have…”

“Don’t be. You’re the only reason I haven’t lost my mind. You saved me, Herms.”

For the first time since they’ve known each other, Hermann doesn’t scold him for the use of the nickname. Instead, he asks, his voice a little shaky:

“Was it real? The dreams, I mean.”

“Of course it was, all of them. Did you really think you came up with all those genius biological theories on your own?”

Newton grins, and he expects Hermann to retort something back, so they can fall back into one of their infamous arguments. Instead, soft lips claim his own and he would be embarrassed by the little mewl he lets out if it didn’t feel so damn good. Kissing Hermann for real is so much different from what he experienced in dreams. A good different. This time around, they need to part long enough to breathe, and their lips get sore after a while, but it reminds Newton that this is _real_ , that the voices won’t come back, that he’s free now, and that he even won the most perfect scientist boyfriend in the process.

Two weeks later, once Hermann is satisfied with the battery of health tests Newton goes through, they discover that making love feels different, too. They need to be more mindful of Hermann’s bad leg and neither of them has endless stamina, but it also leads to them chuckling together when they don’t manage to get a position quite right and their bond only grows stronger from it.

Through it all, Newton babbles and moans and laughs and cries and screams, because he can, because no otherworldly entity is forcing him to stay silent anymore. He’s sure the whole Shatterdome must be talking about how vocal he is, in bed or otherwise, but he doesn’t care. Now that he’s gotten his life back, he’s determined to enjoy it to its fullest.

And what’s even better, he’s allowed to have what he’s been denied all these years: to be there when Hermann wakes up, to greet him each day with a good morning kiss and to love him outside his dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://newt-no-newt-yes.tumblr.com/)


End file.
